The Spears Beard: Emerging into the Brotherhood of Beards, from Whom Is the Following Counsel on Beard Growing and the Proper Lack of Maintenance, the Philosophy and Politics of Beardness, the Ethics of Possessing a Beard, Beards: a Brief History, and Beards etcetera
By Savannah Allen & Carly Hankins
With the benevolent oversight of Mr. Bailey
During his presidency, Abraham Lincoln rocked an exceptional Beard, thus starting a new era. Inspired, the following generations started growing out their facial hair, but only sporadically, as scarcely as the facial hairs upon the faces of freshmen boys. Today, year 2016, growing facial hair has become a mandate and prerequisite to enter Manhood Proper. Mr. Spears, principal of LCHS, has picked up on the trend with growing his very first beard (aww). In competition with Mr. Bailey, Coach Webster, and Mr. Malcomson (not to mention the fearsome facial hair of custodian Mr. John Spivey), Mr. Spears is trying make his beard the most masculine.
To find Mr. Spears’ inspiration, we asked him who has the best Beard at LCHS. “I don’t want to be the guy who votes for himself,” he said, “So Mr. John” (the night time custodian).
With an upcoming family photo, Mr. Spears has pondered shaving. His wife, Mrs. Spears, has come to like the beard (or so she says), for with the beard comes extra wisdom.
Mr. Spears has given advice for baby-faces who are aspiring to or may consider growing a beard in the near or distant future, stating, “If you are as follically challenged as I am, do not try to grow one because you can always tell people that you could grow a great one; you just don’t want to.”
Ending the interview, we asked what the greatest honor is in having a Beard. He answered, “Getting my picture taken by the news staff and learning that the word ‘Beard’ has to be capitalized at all times.”
This capitalization was a mandate, by the way, of Mr. Bailey.
(The full interview can be found at the bottom of this article)
Moreover, we asked some of the Bearded staffulty for words of inspiration for Mr. Spears. Although most of the Bearded remained silent (undoubtedly letting their stoic, sagely Beards do the talking), Mr. Webster and Mr. Bailey had the following to say:
“The Brotherhood of the Beard would like to welcome its newest member to the fraternity. As Mr. Spears works diligently to nurture his facial hair into something prestigious, we thought we would offer some bits of wisdom and advice, for those who wear the beard must be worthy.
- Let the beard guide you. If you find yourself in a place of danger or despair, let the beard be your conscious. He will never steer you in a wrong direction.
- Lose any desire to be cordial. As people wander by you, their gaze will automatically affix upon your bearded majesty. You must not allow them to stare too long, for the magnitude of awesomeness would be too much to handle. Tell them to avert their eyes immediately. Do not feel rude for doing this. You are saving them.
- I repeat, never let anyone touch your beard. The liability is too high. You cannot be responsibility for what happens to people when they experience the sheer power.
- Lastly, go forth with all your glory. Spread the good word, and promise not to use your beard for evil.
Fare thee well, Mr. Spears. May all the honor worthy of beard-wearers be bestowed upon you by the Brotherhood. Fratres in barbam. Brothers in beard.
Webster the Beard-Wearer”
“Possessing an undefiled rank in noble character, unwavering precision of insight bordering on never being wrong, and garnering noteworthy esteem in the otherwise harsh eyes of the world, a certain Adam Webster once remarked about me, solely from the magnitude and austerity of my beard, that I indeed know what is going on. Despite Webster being absolutely wrong on this point, the note of interest is that my beard makes it seem as though I know what is going on. In which case, if Mr. Spears strives to join the Brothers of Beardom, and becomes as burly as a man should—undeterred by the temptations to smooth-facedness, whatever this feeble allure may be, for I have not shaved in years—then he will not only know what is going on, but will look as though he knows what is going on, both of which our politicians sorely neglect, especially the chief among them who have mysteriously ascended to having become the nominees of their nefarious conventions.
He Who Scarcely Knows What Is Going on, Though It Seems Otherwise,
Bailey of the Beard”
From the staff here at the LCChronicle, as well as the staff at large, we wish your Beard well, Mr. Spears, though its life may be cut short, even shorter than Mr. Malcomson trimmed his Beard over Fall Break.
1) Have you ever grown a Beard before? Tried? Yes. Successfully? No.
2) Do you have any plans on shaving? Every day I think about it. Probably soon. Family pictures coming up.
3) How masculine do you want your Beard to be? The most.
4) Have you studied the history of Beards and Beard culture? I know Abraham Lincoln had one. That’s about as far back as I go.
5) Who has the best Beard at LCHS? I don’t want to be the guy who votes for himself, so Mr. John (the nighttime custodian).
6) What does your wife think about your Beard? She actually likes it (or at least says she does).
7) What or whom was your inspiration for growing the Beard? I had a stretch of about five days when I didn’t have a meeting over fall break, so I got lazy.
8) Do you have any advice for baby-faces who are aspiring to, or may consider, growing a Beard in the near or distant future? If you are folically-challenged (as I am), do not try to grow one because you can always tell people that you could grow a great one, you just don’t want to.
9) What is the greatest honor about having a Beard? Getting my picture taken by the news staff and learning that the word “Beard” has to be capitalized at all times.